Time for a VP Comb-Over
To: The 45th, 47th, Ad Infinitum President of the United States
From: Your Crack VP Vetting Team
Subject: Top Replacements for You Know Who
With an August 7 deadline looming for locking in who really will appear with you on the ballot as your VP pick, we know that this selection now is wide open. The bearded guy you selected seems to be tanking bigly in the polls. As you did in The Apprentice, there seems to be no reason why he should not be shown to the elevator for the long ride down.
The task at hand is to find a spectacular replacement. After extensive research, we now have narrowed the list of possibilities to three names, each of which would bring particular strengths to your winning campaign.
Alphonse Capone—You have called him “great” in numerous stump speeches. He also would help reinforce your ability to stare down foreign leaders, especially when sending love letters won’t work. You said it best. “He was seriously tough, right? If you looked at him in the wrong way, he blew your brains out.” With Capone, it will be easier to argue that the U.S. needs to withdraw from NATO, the sooner the better. And his business acumen reinforces your own private sector smarts. The corporate CEO crowd is sure to take note.
Hannibal Lecter—Much better name recognition than Al Capone, especially among younger voters and Hollywood types who revere someone who can bring in big box office numbers. You’ve already praised him at rallies. “The late great Hannibal Lecter, OK? He’s a lovely man. He’d love to have you for dinner.” Remember when people would vote for a guy because he seemed like someone you would like to have a beer with? Lecter would make voters look forward to being at a complete meal—even better.
Frederick Douglass—Capone and Lecter are great possibilities because we know they won’t get caught by the fake news media saying something stupid. Silence will be golden for both of them. But with Kamala now in the race, it might be timely to finally play the diversity card. You said it well at the beginning of your first of many terms in office, and those words should resonate once again. “Frederick Douglass is an example of someone who has done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice. Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, and millions more black Americans who made America what it is today. Big impact.” Another plus—he could be brought to that debate in September in case you don’t think it’s worth your time.
As you can see, we have a deep bench of those who can be swapped out for the guy who is managing to top you on the Amazon best seller list with that book about hillbillies. You warned us in advance that getting this upstart from Beverly Hills might not be that well received. Mea culpa, for sure. As always, we continue to recognize your singular position as our nation’s most stable genius.
DJ Eric is the pseudonym for two guys who know politics so well, and would like to know their father even better someday.
