Scout first became upset because Walz would be gone for weeks at a time on the campaign trail. Without his best friend, he began spending most of his time on the Internet where he was reportedly radicalized by clips of Walz lying about his military service and praising socialism.
Publication: Babylon Bee
Trump Preps for Debate by Visiting Nursing Homes and Arguing with Dementia Patients
Trump’s debate prep is a distinct departure from previous campaign years when he spent time studying government policy and took part in mock debates against former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. (Satire)
New Debate Rule Allows Moderators to Zap Trump with Giant Cattle Prods
CNN has granted moderators Dana Bash and Jake Tapper the freedom to electrocute Trump at will throughout the event. (Satire)
Unvaxxed Man Feels Left Out as All His Jabbed Friends Have Covid (Satire)
A Cleveland-area unvaccinated man Chuck Dornley is feeling very left out this holiday season, as all his vaccinated friends have now contracted Covid. “Maybe I should have just gotten vaccinated,” said Dornley. Then I’d have Covid like everyone else and I and my vaccinated friends would have something to talk about. Now I’m all by myself feeling healthy. Such a bummer!”
Shortage of Depends Panics White House (Satire)
Anonymous sources are reporting heightened stress in the hallways of the White House. One source close to the Biden family revealed that the supply chain crisis currently gripping our nation has now reached the home of the Commander-In-Chief. Staff is having trouble buying underwear featuring maximum absorbency and a bold, masculine design for a smooth, sleek fit.
Amid Gas Shortage, Antifa Switches to Molotov Mocktails
Many Antifa members welcomed the new change as it was better for the environment anyway. “Burning mocktails is way better! Now we can lower our carbon footprint and never go to an evil gas station again!” (Satire)
White House Press Corps Wears New Cheerleading Uniforms to Press Briefing
With a new administration taking over, the White House press corps marked the occasion by wearing their newly issued uniforms: blue and white cheerleading outfits emblazoned with Biden’s name….The press corps went wild as Press Secretary Jen Psaki entered the room. From the back row, NBC Correspondent Peter Alexander led the group in a cheer. (Satirical conservative website)
Trump Walks Away from Republican Party Without Even Looking Back at the Explosion
In an awesome display of action movie MAGA-greatness, Trump walked away from the exploding Republican Party, without looking back or even flinching. Witnesses say they saw Trump walking in slow motion away from the explosion as smoldering wreckage and shrieking Republicans rained down around him. “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful,” said Steve Bannon and Nancy Pelosi in unison. (Conservative satire)
In Blow to Biden Transition, Trump Reveals He Has Obtained the Darksaber
In a shocking upset, President Trump brought Biden’s transition to a screeching halt after revealing he has obtained the legendary Darksaber. According to lore, the Darksaber gives Trump all rights of kingship over America, which can only be taken from him through ritual combat. (satire)
Biden to Introduce New Medal of Honor for Bravery in Journalism
Jake Tapper and the rest of the CNN crew are already being shortlisted for the award for making it through the darkest times of America, even darker than the Civil War or the Great Depression: a time when the president was mean to them. (Note: this item is from a conservative satire website)